I'm Impossible
5:03 p.m. || 2005-01-27
I do apologise for the severe lack of updates. I have attempted to post new entries several times but Diaryland is being a complete wanker and erases them when I try and submit. Bastard.
So quite a lot has happened in the time I’ve been away from cyberspace. I gave blood for the first time last week which made me feel very proud….and scarily grown up, but it’s something I have always wanted to do. I was terrified about any pain, as I’m a wimp, but like most things in life it wasn’t as bad as I imagined. The only nasty bit is that it takes 5-10 minutes to fill up the bag, so the needle is in your arm for quite a while. It was certainly the longest time I’ve ever had anything sharp and metallic in me. It’s not the most pleasant experience in the universe as you can actually feel the blood leaving your vein; it’s an odd, uncomfortable sensation. Yuck, makes me feel a bit weird and tingly when I think about it, but it’s nice to know I did a good deed.
My date with Alex, the hot front man from the band (see previous entry) went quite well. He’s quite gorgeous, he’s got that “singer from The Killers” look going on, and is quite yummy methinks. He’s a private school boy so he has an adorably posh voice and is ridiculously intelligent. I have a horrible feeling that his brains may make me feel a little inadequate, but I’m hoping it never comes to that. We had a few drinks in a pub and talked for a bit. There were the traditional awkward silences, the trademark of a first date, but we were able to laugh them off and eventually it got easier. I’m a bit weirder than him, we have a similar sense of humour but mine is a little more extreme than his….not that it’s particularly an issue because I seem to crack him up, he finds me hilarious for some reason. Not that I’m complaining, it’s always nice to make someone laugh.
For some reason we ended up talking about parks and how much fun they are when you’re a kid. We got ourselves really psyched up and had a huge urge to go to a park ourselves, and so we did. It was bloody freezing and we trekked for ages, but we refused to call off the plan.
When we got there I headed immediately for the swings, every park’s greatest feature in my eyes, but Alex persuaded me to go on the roundabout. We sat on the kiddie seats opposite each other when I noticed he was doing the very serious “make eye contact with me” look in my direction, as a hint to let him kiss me.
I obliged and we had our first kiss there in the park. It continued for a few seconds before I pulled away and pointed out that we were acting like thirteen year olds, snogging in a park after dark! We had gone back a few years indeed. He laughed and pulled me closer.
I don’t know why, but I didn’t enjoy the date as much as I should have. Alex is lovely: Sweet, funny, talented, smart, good-looking, a gentleman…..but for some reason it just didn’t click like it should have. I don’t understand what’s wrong with me, he’s perfect for me and he’s exactly my type….so why didn’t I come away with butterflies in my stomach and a stupid grin on my face? Usually even when I have a simple crush on someone it makes me stupidly giddy, so why didn’t this?
I gave him the benefit of the doubt because I remembered how much I liked him that night we first met, and am determined to try it again. If it doesn’t work, obviously I will finish with him, but perhaps it will pick up. It doesn’t make any sense. Sometimes when he sends me a text message and his name flashes up on my phone then I get a surge of excitement, or I’ll think about him and smile to myself, but other times I talk to him and it’s as if I’m just talking to a friend and nothing happens, I don’t seem to have simple feelings for him at all.
It’s bloody stupid. I want a boyfriend for ages and when I finally get one, I can’t enjoy it! There must be something seriously wrong in my twisted little mind. He’s exactly who I go for, so why don’t I feel it?
And if that isn’t irritating enough, Jake is all over me like a rash since he discovered I have a new man in my life. Suddenly he follows me around school, or steals glances at me in the lunch hall, and today he even tried to play footsie with me in the library.
Bloody typical.